Love

I have been thinking about love a lot lately, wondering if I am going to find it again, worrying about the possibility that I might not find that connection with someone.

I’ve been in love two times in my life and both times I have been crushed, I always love and care too much. And I ponder on the thought that I may never find someone that will love me unconditionally.

My first relationship was in my Sophomore year of High School, I was so in love with the idea of love that I desperately wanted to find it. I was involved in a club where you watch old movies every Wednesday. My first encounter of her was when I asked if she wanted to buy doughnuts, and immediately she recognized my British accent. She gave me so much attention that I couldn’t help wanting more.

Unfortunately she had a girlfriend, so I was stuck with my closeted feelings and hoping the film never ended. Several Wednesdays past and she began cuddling with me and holding my hand while we watched, and suddenly she received the news that her girlfriend had cheated on her with countless others. She was crushed and I was there to listen, and not even a week after we revealed our feelings for each other.

I wasn’t out the closet at this time and I was afraid, but after speaking to several of my friends I decided to come out. All was well for a few months but something didn’t seem right, it wasn’t the bullies or the name calling, it was our talking. We started to repeat conversations over and over, we had nothing to talk about and spent countless hours with ”I love you more” wars, whenever we were together we wouldn’t really talk – we just kissed and hugged. And that’s something I deeply regret, I wish I knew what to say, I do even wish now that I could re-do our relationship, because now I know how to communicate.

But this was my first relationship, I didn’t understand that there could be any other kind, so when the summer hit we saw less and less of each other – especially since my parents were angry that I was dating her. I snuck her over a few times but just like any other time, we hardly spoke. It wasn’t natural but I wasn’t willing to say goodbye.

A few weeks later she tried ending it with me, but I wouldn’t take it, I had panic attacks and wouldn’t stop crying, and naturally she took me back. But as the summer progressed she went to band camp and met other girls, she cheated and left me.

I was so crushed that I wouldn’t stop talking to her, I overloaded her inbox, emailed her essays, and called her. I do wish I wasn’t like that when we broke up, but I was so attached to her that I thought that if I showed her how much she meant to me I would get her back.

Several rebound relationships happened and I finally wasn’t in love with her. But that took a whole year, and the fact that I got out of my last relationship 2 months ago and I still love them, scares me. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to give them the power to crush me. I want to move on and find “the one”, and I can’t do that with the feelings I have.

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately, how long will it take to find someone else? How long will it take to move on? I’m no longer desperate for love, it’s just something I long to have.