Posted in Life, Uncategorized

I can’t sleep.

I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, and I just feel like this will never end. And I bloody hate it so much, because I am so happy during the day – I love my job, I love my family, I enjoy watching YouTube, and I enjoy playing video games. But when it reaches that time when I am closing my eyes to dream, everything flips.

I can’t get horrible events out of my head, no matter how much I try. I don’t want to live like this. I want to move on, it’s so unfair – I am so happy during the day. It’s so unfair that I am in this much misery. I just can’t deal with these nightmares every night, I don’t know what to do. How can I stop this?

I don’t want to live like this. I want to be able to sleep, I want to be able to have good dreams and not be so afraid. I don’t want to close my eyes, it’s too much; I need help.

Posted in Life

ITV’s New Drama: Victoria

I love everything historical, I went to university and studied much history,  so nothing infuriates me more than inaccurate historical portrayals on the television.

Thus when ITV decided to come out with its new period drama, Victoria, I assumed they would have done some research. But no, there are so many inaccuracies that ITV might as well called her Queen Karen and went from there.

If you’re going to do a period piece please make sure it is accurate – ugh that is my biggest pet peeve!!!!! (next to when parents let there kids put on green paint and bolts on their necks on Halloween, while telling everyone they are Frankenstein. You’re not bloody Frankenstein, the creature you are dressed as does not have a name. Dr. Frankenstein created the creature you’re dressed as, which if you must know Dr. Frankenstein is the real monster – so bloody put a doctor’s lab coat on!!) Anyway, back to ITV’s new drama….

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Posted in Life

Body Image

I am so confused as to why I feel so negative about the way I look. This of course isn’t a new thing, I have hated my body since I was able to form my own opinions in my head. I love my eyes, my hair, and my personality; However, the sense of why I hate my physical appearance below my neck line is not only confusing but wrong.

Recently I have begun eating again, obviously that statement requires some sort of explanation along with it, so let me explain – starting in January of this year, I was anorexic.

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Posted in Relationships

Being single

By far the best thing that has happened to me this year is breaking up with my crazy, drug addicted ex-girlfriend. Granted the process of her and I finally not being together was long and hard, due to us needing each other to fuel our addictions. I have never felt more free or more in-tune with myself as I do right now. Through out my life I have never appreciated the bliss of being alone, for some reason (that I am sure a lot of people do) I used to always focus on the lonely aspect of being alone. When I should have thrived.

Now I am thriving in ways I never thought possible. 

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Posted in Life

Went shopping today.

I went shopping today, one of the things that really messes with my anxiety. I don’t understand why but I constantly feel looked at, claustrophobic, and judged. I know deep down that no one is really staring at me as I shop (I not that important haha), I just get so irritable and stressed while looking through clothes.

But waking up today I knew I had to find some clothes, I have to look fabulous for my new job 🙂

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Posted in Life

New job :)

I cannot believe my luck, two days ago I went to my very first job interview in England. And then today I was woken up to a phone call from that very same company, offering me a 6 month contract.

Most people that I had spoken to about this office job told me not to get my hopes up, saying that it takes multiple tries to get with this company – I cannot believe my luck. I must have made a good impression or had something that clicked for them.

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Posted in Life

Everything is jumbled right now.

I should be writing a 1750 word English paper, but I’m not. I’m distracted.

My distractions are too many to write down, but basically it all boils down to the fact that I am worried. If you have read any of my previous entries, you know the ones I wrote back in the dinosaur era (seriously I cannot believe that I haven’t updated my blog in this long), then you know that I am a compulsive worrier.

Continue reading “Everything is jumbled right now.”