Posted in Life

The pitball in the room 

It is as if he took something from me that night. And now I am constantly trying to get that piece back. 

Without it, I’m not the girl I used to be. I’m not bubbly or carefree, I’m suddenly conscious of ever noise in a dark alleyway – of every single glance I get from a stranger. 

I thought I was getting better with my depression before everything happened. And although his influence hasn’t made what I was dealing with worse, he did create this giant ball of horrors that now follows me around like a shadow. 

Some people could compare it to a pitball, barking in the room at me. Constantly barking and snarling at me, no one else can see it – so no one else understands when I jump because they have popped into my personal space unannounced nor do they understand when they raise their voice the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and tell me to run. 

I need to tame the pitball, I need to make it all go away. I just don’t know how or where to start…

Posted in Life

Another Day

I had work today. Thinking about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I need to find a way to be as happy as I am when I am talking to customers. 

Is anyone ever that happy though? 

I don’t know if I was ever that happy, mainly now I am angry. I’m angry at my father for kicking me out the house when I lived with him, I’m angry for what he said, I’m angry that he didn’t believe me when I told him what happened to me, and mainly I am angry with myself for sticking up for him so much in my head! 

I idolised that man. I put him up so high on a pedestal, and thought he could never do any wrong. When he shouted and treated me like crap I thought it was my fault. But being the age I am it is getting to the point that I no longer see the reasons behind why he lectures me so much. 

Maybe it is because he can. Maybe he likes the power he feels. 

Regardless of the reason I won’t give him the satisfaction of yelling abuse at his youngest daughter. I haven’t spoken to my father in eight months, and I don’t plan on talking to him in sixteen. 

Posted in Life

Where do I go from here?

I am still trying to find a way to move on from what happened to me, I don’t sleep well some nights – find myself staring at the ceiling and wishing I wasn’t so afraid of closing my eyes. Worried that if I do close my eyes what I might see in my dreams.

I moved in with my partner before Christmas, and it felt like bliss. I thought I was 100% cured of the demons that go around in my head when I am not distracted, however it seems that everything is going down a very steep slope – and I can’t find a rope to pull myself up.

My partner says that it is because I didn’t face my demons, that because I pretended they weren’t there for so long that they are now all coming back at once. Four whole months worth.

And don’t get me wrong – I love living with my partner, he is just about the only thing that is keeping me stable at the moment, yet I can’t always have “my rock”. I don’t know where to go from here. Continue reading “Where do I go from here?”

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

I can’t sleep.

I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, and I just feel like this will never end. And I bloody hate it so much, because I am so happy during the day – I love my job, I love my family, I enjoy watching YouTube, and I enjoy playing video games. But when it reaches that time when I am closing my eyes to dream, everything flips.

I can’t get horrible events out of my head, no matter how much I try. I don’t want to live like this. I want to move on, it’s so unfair – I am so happy during the day. It’s so unfair that I am in this much misery. I just can’t deal with these nightmares every night, I don’t know what to do. How can I stop this?

I don’t want to live like this. I want to be able to sleep, I want to be able to have good dreams and not be so afraid. I don’t want to close my eyes, it’s too much; I need help.

Posted in Life

ITV’s New Drama: Victoria

I love everything historical, I went to university and studied much history,  so nothing infuriates me more than inaccurate historical portrayals on the television.

Thus when ITV decided to come out with its new period drama, Victoria, I assumed they would have done some research. But no, there are so many inaccuracies that ITV might as well called her Queen Karen and went from there.

If you’re going to do a period piece please make sure it is accurate – ugh that is my biggest pet peeve!!!!! (next to when parents let there kids put on green paint and bolts on their necks on Halloween, while telling everyone they are Frankenstein. You’re not bloody Frankenstein, the creature you are dressed as does not have a name. Dr. Frankenstein created the creature you’re dressed as, which if you must know Dr. Frankenstein is the real monster – so bloody put a doctor’s lab coat on!!) Anyway, back to ITV’s new drama….

Continue reading “ITV’s New Drama: Victoria”

Posted in Life

Body Image

I am so confused as to why I feel so negative about the way I look. This of course isn’t a new thing, I have hated my body since I was able to form my own opinions in my head. I love my eyes, my hair, and my personality; However, the sense of why I hate my physical appearance below my neck line is not only confusing but wrong.

Recently I have begun eating again, obviously that statement requires some sort of explanation along with it, so let me explain – starting in January of this year, I was anorexic.

Continue reading “Body Image”

Posted in Relationships

Being single

By far the best thing that has happened to me this year is breaking up with my crazy, drug addicted ex-girlfriend. Granted the process of her and I finally not being together was long and hard, due to us needing each other to fuel our addictions. I have never felt more free or more in-tune with myself as I do right now. Through out my life I have never appreciated the bliss of being alone, for some reason (that I am sure a lot of people do) I used to always focus on the lonely aspect of being alone. When I should have thrived.

Now I am thriving in ways I never thought possible. 

Continue reading “Being single”

Posted in Life

Went shopping today.

I went shopping today, one of the things that really messes with my anxiety. I don’t understand why but I constantly feel looked at, claustrophobic, and judged. I know deep down that no one is really staring at me as I shop (I not that important haha), I just get so irritable and stressed while looking through clothes.

But waking up today I knew I had to find some clothes, I have to look fabulous for my new job 🙂

Continue reading “Went shopping today.”

Posted in Life

New job :)

I cannot believe my luck, two days ago I went to my very first job interview in England. And then today I was woken up to a phone call from that very same company, offering me a 6 month contract.

Most people that I had spoken to about this office job told me not to get my hopes up, saying that it takes multiple tries to get with this company – I cannot believe my luck. I must have made a good impression or had something that clicked for them.

Continue reading “New job :)”