Tonight I can’t sleep. Hasn’t been like this for a while. I don’t understand why I feel so upset and (for lack of a better word) disturbed by everything that happened two years ago.
It just doesn’t make sense, I have a wonderful partner and a gorgeous son who is almost 6 months. And yet I am still troubled.
Since I am up, I might as well talk about my life;
I did make a big step recently, after my son was born I told the doctor how I was feeling (not why just that I was feeling very low) and she recommended counselling and gave me medication. I’ve been on the medication since February now and I think it is working.
The reason I told my doctor that I was feeling so low in February (but not before then) was simply because of my son. I was scared of going outside with him, I was scared of accidentally dropping him, I was scared of everything. So in turn I didn’t go outside and I didn’t move from the sofa unless absolutely necessary (I breastfeed so not moving from the sofa was easy). But I realised that is not fair on him, I need to be a better Mum – I need to be able to get him out and let him explore.
I did call the counselling my doctor recommended but I ended up being rude and hanging up because I was nervous, two weeks ago I called them back. Which if you know anything about me – that is a massive step. And I did the assessment with them and I got on the waiting list. Fingers crossed that I don’t chicken out. I really want to get better, but as I have said before in a previous post – I am scared about opening up to someone and then unloading every little thing on them and then them realising that I am really messed up and broken.
I guess I want a quick fix, but it’s not going to happen.
The NHS only offers 8 weeks of couselling, I do also have healthcare through my work – but I honestly don’t think I will be there much longer. In fact if my partner got a higher paying job I would put my two weeks in now so they knew I wasn’t going back after my Maternity Leave. Then I could find a low paying job that made me happy. But anyway, I got side tracked, I have healthcare so if I wanted to take advantage of that I could pay an £100 excess and get help until the end of the year (and then pay another £100 next year if I am still with the company).
I just don’t know what to do. I am so happy when people are around me, but when I am alone with my thoughts I am miserable. I cry and get angry at everything – and I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to go to bed and pray a million times that nothing will happen to my partner because without him I think I am nothing.
Of course I will always pray nothing will happen to him, but the amount I worry is not good for my mental health.
Endless echoing 